Three Wise Monkeys
by Mantichorus
Summary: An AU Christmas fic. No Wise Men following a Star, but Genomes following their lost ship. Please, approach this with good humour.


_A/N: Well, a quick little nonsense AU FFIX Christmas fanfic. The Genomes with souls, Zidane, Kuja and Mikoto, find themselves on Earth, approximately 2,010 years ago. They follow the Invincible in an attempt to return to their own time. They-- look, I really don't think I need to spell it out. You're intelligent people._

_Oh, and anyone who wants to cry 'blasphemy', just remember God made us in His image. Pretty sure that means He must have a sense of humour, too._

_Obviously, nothing here presented belongs to me. Wishing you all… well, let's just say 'Happy Holidays', eh? For everyone who recognises the time of year, but may not necessarily mark the birth of Christ. As Tiny Tim said, God bless us, one and all. =)_

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**Three Wise Monkeys**

Kuja tutted to himself. Zidane looked up from his camel. "What?"

Kuja brushed an errant strand of hair from his eyes. "What? You ask, 'what?', my dear brother? Well, I'll tell you 'what': why in all the blazes did you press that button?!"

Mikoto sighed from atop her camel. She was used to her two elder siblings bickering, but Kuja had been considerably worse since Zidane had in short succession: a) activated the temporal displacement matrix; and b) hit the evacuation button. Thankfully, they were aware of the world and era they had found themselves in, so they could hazard a guess as to where the Invincible would have automatically headed to.

Also worthy of thanks was how easily they had obtained these beasts of burden to convey them back to their ship.

"Hey, it was an accident, bro, I told ya," Zidane said. "But, what I don't get is why the Invincible is headed to this 'Bethlehem' place."

"As I have explained," Mikoto said. "The Invincible is designed to automatically lock onto locales of known prescient significance, in the event of the temporal displacement matrix being activated."

Zidane nodded. Then; "Huh?"

"What our sweet little sister is trying to say Zidane is this: if some fool should send us hurtling through time, the Invincible will search out somewhere it knows will be important due to future records," Kuja sneered. "I'm just glad that in this timeframe the place of significance isn't a battlefield."

"I swear, that was a complete mistake," Zidane said, raising himself upright and placing his hand on his heart. "BUT, if we hadn't arrived when we had, Duke Wellington would have been one dead duck."

Mikoto frowned. "The Duke of Wellington… was not a water fowl."

"Figure of speech, sis, jeez," Zidane sighed, and slumped forward again. "…So… why do we gotta bring gifts?"

"A child was born," Mikoto said. "I am told it is tradition."

"Heh, yeah, I know that," Zidane smiled. "But my point is: are we planning on sticking our heads in and saying 'hi'?"

"The son of a deity has become incarnated," Kuja said. "It's only polite."

"OK, fair enough. But, why are we following -- ?" Zidane began saying, before Kuja snapped at him.

"How many times?! It's not a star, it's the Invincible in low-planetary orbit!" the eldest Genome said. Kuja sighed, and collected his breath. "Anyway, I decided on some frankincense. Zidane, what did you decide?"

Zidane grinned and pulled out a pouch that gave a satisfying jingle. Mikoto and Kuja stared at him. "Heh, gold," Zidane said.

"…Where did you obtain that?" Mikoto asked. Zidane grinned guiltily.

"Oh, for pity's…!" Kuja shouted. "Once a thief, always a thief! This is Judea! THOU shalt not steal! Do you know what the Israelites do to thieves?! Do you?!" He pulled his camel close to Zidane's and grabbed his brother by the lapels. "Death! By stoning! Stoned! To death!"

"Well… that's not so bad," Zidane said.

"WHAT?!"

"Well… be stoned when you die," Zidane continued. "At least then, you won't have much idea what's going on, right?"

"NO! They KILL you by throwing ROCKS at you!" Kuja explained, spittle flying across Zidane's face.

"Oh, I see. That puts a different complexion on things," Zidane said. "If anyone asks, it was a donation by a friendly merchant."

Kuja sighed and gave up. He let go of Zidane and fell back into his seat. "…Mikoto? What did you get the Baby Jesus?"

"Myrrh," she replied. Kuja and Zidane flinched.

"Jeez!" Zidane said. "That's… that's a funerary incense! It's a bit grim, Mikki."

Mikoto shot her brothers a withering look. "…Did either of you bother reading up on Jesu's life?" Zidane and Kuja shook their heads. Mikoto sighed. "It is appropriate. And prescient."

Kuja shook his head, frowning. He then looked back into the heavens. "Ah, the Invincible has come to a halt. That little village ahead must be Bethlehem," he said.

"WHOO!" Zidane whooped. "C'mon, let's go!" He gestured to the camel to go faster, which reluctantly got the idea and sped up.

Mikoto frowned. "Be careful for those shepherds!"

Kuja shrugged. "Maybe we should see fit to inform them that their saviour has been born." With that, he also bade his camel to speed up and set off after Zidane.

Mikoto cursed quietly under her breath, and wondered how bad the wrath of God might be. Hopefully, Gabriel had already got his word in with the shepherds, so she would not have to find out.

A flash of light spread behind her. "Fear not, Terran child," an angelic voice rang out. "I have already appeared to these folk and given them the good news. However, your siblings are likely to scare the sheep. Be a good girl, and sort them out, eh? HE says 'do this for Us, Our kid, and I'LL see you right'."

The light faded, leaving Mikoto fairly nonplussed at the informality of the Heavenly Host. With a shrug, she followed her brothers into the little town.


End file.
